You should really meet…yourself

Credit: Unsplash (Felicia Buitenwerf)

Imagine.

You grew up in an authoritarian country that made you distrustful of powerful people and fearful of hierarchy. Sharing personal information put you at risk so you withheld it at significant cost to your relationships. Your survival meant avoiding risk at nearly any cost and you now live with an “always play it safe” mentality.

Or imagine this.

You’re a first-generation American who saw relaxation as a wasteful luxury. To your round-the-clock working parents, rest meant working less and working less meant poverty. You now work constantly to avoid the possibility of scarcity. You know it’s not a likely outcome any longer, but that’s the story you tell yourself. It’s also the harmful relationship to work you engender in your own children.

Many of us don’t have to imagine because these realities are in fact OUR life stories.

I sit with these stark realities every day as I work with people who – many for the first time – see aspects of their past life that are holding them back.

Now, think of your own life and where your self-limiting beliefs are at-play based on your upbringing. But don’t dwell too long in the morass of your own stories (real and imagined) because you can write new stories. To do so, use the awareness of the impact the systems you were raised within have on your life today.

There’s so much power in your past. As proof, I’m immensely proud of these two clients (names changed for confidentiality) who confronted beliefs that once served them – or were required of them – but were in the way of living the life of their choosing.

The client who was distrustful of powerful people and fearful of hierarchy

1. Carlo acknowledged that his relationship with power was at odds with his career ambitions. He identified his tendency to be deferential to those senior to him and the impact this tendency had on cultivating relationships above him. Carlo also established a competing narrative in his mind about the presence of power in a relationship – that it’s to be shared and not wielded at the expense of others.

   
   

2. He recast his past with compassion for the authoritarian system he lived within and the decisions those close to him made for their own survival. Shielding himself by “playing it safe” is still a pattern he notices but it’s no longer the CEO ambition stopper it once was.

   
   

3. Within coaching, Carlo experimented with each of the elements above. Experimentation allowed him to try on different mindsets and behaviors, many of which he adopted for his current self. He now views his past – once seen as a stumbling block – as an asset to his future.

The client who saw relaxation as a wasteful luxury

1. Chris was running on fumes (their words) and about to leave their job. Their partner was also about to leave them. They decided to no longer dismiss their partner’s ask for more time together and be home for their son’s bedtime when they weren’t on the road. We also worked on Chris’ relationship with money, which they were still treating as something to be stashed away for the inevitable financial fall to come. Now they see that their past tendencies were shouting over their current life and winning the argument in their head.

   
   

2. Chris then reframed their “provider and defender” identity as “responsible caretaker of life’s comforts” (their language). They’re still prone to overwork but now actively notice when they’re sacrificing family for work and can course-correct. In coaching, our charge today is workaholism which, according to Chris, was the result of the despair and financial insecurity they lived with as a child. Financial trauma can have that effect, of course.

   
   

3. Within their community, they and their partner participate in an intensive family financial literacy program as a counter to their fear about spending money and taking time off. One other creative action they took was to write an imaginative letter to their partner from day one of their retirement a decade from now. Writing a letter from the future allowed them to solidify their story about the changed role of money and rest within their family system. Their partner framed the letter and placed it not so subtly above their home office desk.

These two courageous clients now live lives of their choosing. The systems they lived within growing up – and the self-limiting tendencies developed as a result – are no longer holding them back. Fortunately for all of us, they granted me permission to share their deeply personal stories with you.

How about you?

What impact did the systems you grew up within have on you? How about the family, cultural, communal, or other systems you live within today? How have they shaped your identity, what you value, how you direct your energy, and how you see the world?

Answer these questions for yourself and get curious with the newfound awareness you have. Then, use it toward the life you want to live. Not the life you were born into.